I was attacked by a bug last night — a big, green, leggy, leaf-looking bug. I awoke to a bizarre clicking noise, and it wasn’t my air conditioner. I turned on the lights, grabbed a fly swatter and saw the evil beast crawling up the curtains. I was panicked. Sweating. “Why don’t I have a boyfriend for these exact occasions?!” I shouted. “Or even a dog … fuck, I’ll take a cat!”
After facing my fears and smashing the monster, I couldn’t get to sleep for nearly two hours. I watched crappy TV shows … with the lights on!
Bugs must die. Why must they invade my space?
I need a drink.