BY SARA HAVENS
My purse got swiped Thursday night, sons, and it ain’t no joke. I’ve been through all five stages of grief, and now I’m just pissed. The perps didn’t get much except for my pickle-shaped maraca that I like to pull out on occasion to play along with the band. No cash. No iPod. No sordid black book. Luckily I had a credit card at the bar (hence the no cash part) and my cell phone and keys in my pockets. I would love it, however, if they’d return my beloved Monica Lewinsky purse along with my wallet and business card holder, which has sentimental value. Oh, and the $30 gift card from Dundee Tavern would be nice to have back, too. I got that for my birthday, bitches!
Why is this nonsense in a bar column, you ask? Well, I just wanted to remind the ladies to keep your purse with you at all times. Even in the safest of safe places — even in a room full of gay men, as was my case — there’s always that one yahoo who’ll ruin it for everyone. I’ve got my eye on you, purse snatcher! I know who you are, where you live and what you eat for breakfast. You’re toast.
Beer prices … falling?
Yes, you read that right. I heard from a close source that the price of domestic draught beer at the Outlook Inn has fallen. That’s great news for American piss swillers like myself. The Outlook has always been a bit pricey on drinks, even for the Highlands. But with a cool jukebox and a laid-back atmosphere, that never really kept me away. I mean, who has a better bathroom and Bloody Mary than the Outlook? So, thanks, Outlook people, for your random act of kindness. Next round’s on me!
If you spot someone with a Lewinsky purse shaking a pickle, let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org