Ten Commandments of Drinking
BY SARA HAVENS
While last Saturday’s Gettin’ Drunky in Kentucky was a success (read: we think most of the 50 or so walkers made it to Bearno’s in one piece), I violated some major rules when it comes to drinking, causing a week of shame, regret and a sense of overall douchebaginess. So I thought I’d create the Ten Commandments of Drinking so that others will not suffer the same fate. So that others will not awaken to a sent-message folder a mile long. So that others won’t have to look friends in the face and try to explain why they left “Eat a dick!” on their voicemail at 3 a.m. I think these should be posted in every watering hole across the nation. Read and obey, my drinking disciples.
1) Thou shalt have no other texts after midnight.
2) Thou shalt not act a fool in public — which includes but is not limited to foolish dancing (i.e. “The Running Man” or kicking in any fashion), face-chugging those thou hast no relations with and balancing beer bottles on thy head.
3) Thou shalt not take the name of the City Scoot in vain, for City Scoot will get you home without having to waketh up next to a stranger.
4) Remember: beer before liquor never sicker, to keep it holy.
5) Honor thy bartender and thy bouncer.
6) Thou shalt not kill a drink in less than 10 minutes.
7) Thou shalt not commit drunk dialing, even if it’s to friends on the West Coast. Oh, and I guess don’t commit adultery either.
8) Thou shalt not steal someone else’s drink or seat at the bar.
9) Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor by speaking on off-limit topics like politics, religion and “Gossip Girl” when in the confines of a bar.
10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s beer, date or general sense of happiness and contentment. But if they’re being loud, thou can slap them.
Sara will see you in hell. Drop her a line at firstname.lastname@example.org