So I had a similar experience last night to finding out Santa Clause isn’t real and unicorns don’t exist. I went to Big Bar to try the new frozen Mai Tai — expecting it to be overflowing with light and dark rum. When the bartender handed me the fruity concoction, I asked him in Christmas-morning anticipation just how much rum they used to make it. Five bottles? 10? 15?

“Oh honey,” he replied as my birthday balloon deflated. “There can’t be an excessive amount of alcohol or else it won’t freeze.”

I had him put a floater of spiced rum around the top and sulked back to my table. Next you’re gonna tell me that Ashlee Simpson can’t sing, there is no sex in the Champagne Room, and the government shut down.