Last weekend I went to a mall. For real! It was a big mall — attached to Opryland in Nashville. We were walking along, judging people’s wardrobe selection, when we came upon Spencer’s. I thought we had time-traveled back to 1989! I was hoping I could find Debbie Gibson posters and NKOTB bed sheets and lava lamps. Well, we found only lava lamps — but so much more. I guess kids’ tastes are different these days, because there were dildos, chain wallets, a Marilyn Monroe flask, silly shot glasses and T-shirts galore.

I found a flask that I could not live without (picture coming soon) — and when I went to purchase it, the Goth/metal hybrid store clerk notified me there was a sale, and I could get another drink-related item half-off. “Shit the bed!,” I said. “BRB!” So this is what I picked out — a coffee mug that shows who’s the boss around these parts. Naturally I brought it to the office, and nobody really seems all that impressed. Oh well. It makes me happy, and I feel like a cowboy when I drink coffee out of it. I also, oddly, want to shout My name is DJ Quick, so you can fuck the rest! from one of my favorite songs, “Born and Raised in Compton.” Boom.