It’s time to purge all the drunk texts I’ve collected throughout the last few months. Enjoy.

• I think that hot sauce is coming out my cornhole!

• Barflies were once railbirds at Churchill Downs

• Vaginas in Mexico translate to night bread

• I don’t masterbate in the kitchen, that’s where Grandma is

• I’d like to be the cheese between her lady crackers

• The more I talk to people, the more I realize their breath stinks