I’ve decided I’m going to take a lover.

I’m not really sure how to go about it, or what it actually means, but it sounds sophisticated and independent — like something Katherine Hepburn might say to Spencer Tracy when she’s ignoring his advances.

“Nobody’s got time for your games, sir, so I’m going to take a lover for the winter, and she and I will catch up on Netflix.” I’m pretty sure that’s a line from “Woman of the Year.”

The late, great unibrowed artist Frida Kahlo once said, “Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.” That would be nice to find, wouldn’t it?

Oh sure, I’ve had glimpses of it a few times in my life, but my magic tends to fade after I pull a rabbit out of her hole a dozen or so times, and that lover runs for the hills. How about a lover who doesn’t need magic and smoke and mirrors, but who genuinely likes you for you?

I want a lover who looks at me like a plate of nachos — with ample dollops of sour cream. I want a lover who is pizza to my beer, peanut butter to my chocolate, cheese to my wine.

So I’m currently accepting applications for the position. Please state your goals, skills, qualities and experiences that might make you a better lover than, say, Chelsea Handler (who is, unfortunately, not batting for my team). References not necessary.