Drunk Texts of the Week

drink

Sorry, I’ve been hoarding these like a box of Thin Mints. It’s time for the purge.

  • My vagina is crying the snail trail of tears
  • I could do this to a watermelon, said Bill Cosby never
  • I’m gonna Kathy Bate your ankles!
  • I feel like if you were a man, you’d have a hard-on right now
  • I’d rather have a urethra on my chin than in my mouth
  • Can I come over and weigh myself after I poop?
  • I need to suckle a teet
  • I haven’t had a good solid poop since ’89
  • What God giveth, I drinketh
  • I’m gonna open a restaurant called Getup Bahn Mi
  • She’s done the Mexican Cloud Swing at Turners

Drunk Texts of the Week

drunk_texting.jpgWithout further ado …

  • I think it’s annoying when kids sing
  • You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Tequila!
  • I either gave someone a fantastic blow job, or I fell
  • When I need to talk about the weather, I call my mom!
  • I wanna motorboat your Pappy
  • I need a Pappysmear
  • I just spilled pumpkin on my North Face #wpp

Drunk Texts of the Week

  • Zack PhoneDammit, I just sneezed and peed a little again :/
  • If you pull it out too quick, it will squirt everywhere
  • I have Benadryl in my lady folds
  • If Jesus was a taco, he’d have to sleep in the manger
  • I want to put my mouth around that pipe dream
  • I gotta finger my ear hole while you talk about dicks
  • I bet that bitch’s poop don’t float!
  • I’m gonna turf tow my asshole!
  • Turn down for twat?!
  • Spanked. So hard I needed a safe word.

Drunk Texts of the Week

  • 6a00d8341c57f753ef0133f4910d9b970b-800wiAnybody can push a button but not everyone can ring the bell
  • I can’t hide my double chin with a beer on my head!
  • Vodka from a straw is never a good thing
  • There’s a special place in hell for those who cropdust a crowded bar.
  • Do u wanna taste my dirty hoe?
  • I had to delete a picture of my ass to get a shot of Jack Conway