They’re here, and they’re better than the new “Poltergeist” knockoff! Here’s this week’s installment of Drunk Texts. Enjoy. I promise to do better and post them more often.

• That’s not a shot, it’s a drink without ice!

• I feel like I’ve been ridden hard and put away wet

• How can you play well with others when you can’t play with yourself?

• I’m too Midwestern to feel empowered

• She’s so fake, even her body is fighting her