Is this how people see me?

I think I may remove all dating applications from my phone to make room for this Pokemon Go bullshit. Finding imaginary creatures at bars and on sidewalks seems way more tangible than finding someone who will A) message me back, and B) be able to hold a conversation that involves more than one word (usually “Heyyy”) and employs verbs, prepositions and the occasional dangling participle.

I’ve been trying out a couple apps for the last few months — Match, Tinder, OKCupid and something called Bumble — and I find them all to be utterly useless, unless you’re just looking for a laugh. Even when the stars align and I actually match with someone, nine times out of 10 the person doesn’t message and/or message back.

I can’t help but think maybe it’s me. What if I come off as a toothless creeper, especially if I send a message too soon? What if people think I’m a drunk weirdo who has too many pictures of herself with cocktails, or maybe has too few pictures of herself with cocktails? What if I’m not the lovable, laid-back Pikachu someone might cross a road for?

What if I’m the fool who actually believes she can find a normal human being on an iPhone app geared toward judging someone by her photos in 3 seconds or less?

Online dating is fleeting, frustrating, fickle and, above all, fucked up.

So swipe right, would ya?